Most of us believe identity is something that happens to us. We think we are calm or anxious, abundant or struggling, healed or broken, because of our history, our circumstances, and our habits. But what if identity is something you can choose? Not hope for or wish for but choose, the way we choose what to eat for breakfast, except with our whole will behind it.
The Day I Stopped Being Afraid of Snakes
For most of my life, I was terrified of snakes. I couldn't watch them on TV or look at a picture in a book. Even the image of one was enough to make me turn away. One day I heard Abraham Hicks say that there is nothing to fear, and something in me responded, and I simply said, with total decision: I choose to abandon this fear.
And I did. The fear didn't slowly fade. It was gone, and it stayed gone. I am happy to announce I no longer fear snakes. I did the same with the fear I had for heights. I actually practice this in a lot of things. For example, when I am about to give a talk and I feel fear creeping in, I just decide to embody calmness and show up from this state.
I do not want anyone to think of it as easy and get frustrated when it doesn’t produce the result you desire. Think of it as an exercise that gets better every time you practice it.
I share my story because it taught me something I now carry into everything I do: a decision made with your full will can change who you are. We often think change must be long, painful, and earned. Sometimes the real shift is the moment you decide, and the rest is simply living from that decision.
Decision Is Not Wishing
Wishing says, I hope I can be calm someday. Deciding says, I am choosing to show up calm. Now.
The difference is where you stand. A wish keeps your desired self in the future, always just out of reach. A decision moves you into that identity today and asks you to act from it.
Try saying it out loud, “I decisively choose to show up calm”.
Notice how it lands in your body. That is the feeling of will gathering behind a choice.
Embody It, Then Cement It
A decision becomes your identity when you embody it. That means you let the new self think, breathe, move, and respond in the present moment, even before anything outside you has changed.
Visualization is how you cement it. When you vividly picture yourself as the person you have chosen to be, feeling what they feel and doing what they do, your nervous system begins to treat that version of you as familiar. Familiar becomes natural. And natural becomes who you are.
When Reality Says Something Different
Now, here is the part that matters most. Right after you choose, reality will often show you the opposite. The calm you chose will be tested. The abundance you chose will meet an empty-looking bank account. The healing you chose will meet a hard memory.
It is important to note that this is not proof that your choice failed, but the moment the choice is asked to become real. At this point, persist in the new embodied state until reality catches up. Keep breathing as the person you have chosen to be. Keep acting from that identity. Reality is not the boss of your identity. It follows the identity you hold.
Don't Confuse a Situation With Who You Are
A temporary situation is not an identity. You can be in a season of stress without being a stressed person. You can be moving through lack without being a person of lack. You can be remembering pain without being the pain.
Practice separating the two. Notice the situation. Acknowledge it honestly. Then step back and ask: Is this what is happening, or who I am? You can feel the feeling and see the circumstance without letting it sign your name on your identity.
What Choosing Looks Like in Real Life
The beauty of this practice is that it adapts to whatever you are seeking. Here is how it looks for the people I work with, and for me.
• A client who needs calmness, control, and health chooses: “I am calm. I am in command of my inner world. My body is healthy, and I treat it that way. When stress arrives, I don't become the stress. I breathe and return to the one who chose calm”.
• For myself, I choose joy, creativity and abundance. I decide it in the morning, and I live from it, even on days when circumstances don't yet match.
• A client healing from trauma chooses: “My past is something I lived through, not who I am. I am safe now, and I am becoming whole. She honors what happened without letting it define her identity”.
• A client seeking a purposeful career chooses: “I am someone who lives on purpose. My work matters, and I move toward it with clarity”. The person then starts acting like that person before the title appears.
• A client seeking abundance chooses: “I am abundant. I receive freely, and I make decisions from enough, not from fear of lack”.
Notice that each one is phrased as who they are, not what they are trying to get.
An Exercise: Breathe Into Your Chosen Identity
Give yourself about ten minutes somewhere quiet. Sit comfortably, with your feet on the floor.
1. Settle: Close your eyes. Let your shoulders drop. Take a natural breath and notice your body without trying to change anything.
2. Release: Breathe in through your nose for a count of four. Breathe out slowly through your mouth for a count of six. With each exhale, imagine setting down the old story (the fear, the label, the situation you have been carrying). You are not fighting it. You are just putting it down.
3. Choose. Place a hand on your heart. Say aloud or silently, with full decision: I decisively choose to be ______ (calm, joyful, healed, abundant, purposeful). Say it three times, a little more firmly each time.
4. Visualize: Picture yourself fully as that person. See where you are standing, how you hold your body, the expression on your face. Notice how you speak and how you handle a challenge. Feel what they feel in your chest, your breath, and your belly. Make it vivid and let it be real. Let a small, specific moment play out, such as a conversation, a decision, or a quiet morning.
5. Anchor: Breathe in deeply, drawing that feeling in. As you exhale, press your hand gently on your heart and silently say: ‘This is who I am”. Remember this touch. You can return to it anytime.
6. Return: Take a few easy breaths, wiggle your fingers and toes, and open your eyes slowly. Carry the identity with you into your day.
Practice this daily, and especially on the days when reality seems to disagree. Those are the days it matters most.
Your Turn
You don't need to wait for permission, for the right circumstances, or for your past to finish healing. Decide who you are choosing to become. Say it with your whole will. Breathe into it, see it, and persist in it. Then watch as your life begins to follow.
Who are you choosing to be today?
